Thigh gap vs no thigh gap: it’s not even a question! Male or female, tall or short, young or old, everybody knows we all look our best** with a little sunlight peeking through our legs. In fact, the benefits are manifold:
- Let’s just admit it right up front: you look hotter with a sizable thigh gap. Why did miniskirts and short dresses become so popular if not because of the way they allow any woman to simulate a gap? More recently, skinny jeans for guys have finally allowed men to share in the joy of slim-thigh satisfaction.
- The extra space creates the illusion of longer legs, which is proven to be more attractive (in both sexes!).
- Due to the way light bends when it passes objects, thigh gap makes your thighs look skinnier than they are, in one of nature’s kindest optical illusions.
- Having that extra space also keeps your private parts fresh, due to greater air exposure (men, it also helps you regulate the optimum temperature for production of, uh, cells).
- No more chafing! This makes running/walking long distances easier and less painful. Plus, your clothes last longer!
- People will compliment you all the time! Granted, they’ll use words like, “Wow, be careful: if a wind picks up, you might blow away!” but we all know that they really mean: “Damn, girl/dude, I covet your self-control!”
- The feelings of power and success will cause your body to release endorphins each time you see your reflection—a totally legal high!
Keeping these amazing benefits in mind, in this article you will learn how to achieve that noblest of goals: to get a thigh gap in record time.
The Ingredients of a Successful Gap
The process of obtaining serious gappiness isn’t easy, but it IS simple: all you need is the right combination of
- Thigh gap diet
- Thigh gap exercises
- Thigh gap mentality
- Thigh gap hacks
Let’s look at each of these in turn.
Thigh Gap Diet
As stated previously, not every step to an impressive thigh gap is easy–but each is simple. In fact, the diet required to achieve and maintain an epic thigh gap is so simple, it’s a little ridiculous. Some readers may even have noticed that it’s hidden in the name of this article. That’s right—the fastest way to a thigh gap is to … FAST!
Think about it: if you don’t have an inner thigh gap, why don’t you? Is it because you lack wide hips? Perhaps because you do a lot of leg exercises? Haven’t reached puberty? Unfavorable genes?
NO! It’s because you EAT.
Fasting is—duh!—the fastest way to achieve the perfect thigh gap that’s been eluding you for all this time.
Of course, not everybody has the strength of mind and body to fast. Here are a couple of tips for those who can’t quite measure up:
- The Devil Wears Prada Diet: Emily summed it up perfectly: “I don’t eat anything; and right before I feel I’m going to faint, I eat a cube of cheese…. I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”
- The ABC Diet (it stands for Ana Boot Camp, so you know it’s legit): Eat anywhere from 0 to 500 Calories per day, on a strict schedule. For example, on Day 9, you get to eat an indulgent 500 Calories, followed by a day of fasting, then easing yourself back into eating by consuming 150, 250, then 400 Calories per day. The 50-day plan culminates with a celebratory fast on the last day, just to punctuate the glory of your newfound gap.
- The Pro Ana Diet: in a quaint but effective spin-off of the “Keep Calm” franchise, this one really delivers the wisdom: Keep Calm … and Stop Eating Until they Take You to the Hospital.
Because, seriously, why eat when you know you’ll just get hungry later?
Thigh Gap Exercises
As of right now, your new motto is “Train insane or you’ll remain the same.”
Your insane training is going to look like this: choose only upper-body workouts, like push-ups, arm-wrestling, and putting your hands in the air at concerts (be careful with this one!—if you wind up bouncing up and down at the concert, do so using only your calf muscles). Do NOT use your upper legs when you exercise. You don’t want ANY gains in the thigh area, including muscle. If you come across stairs, look for the elevator.
Believe it or not, that’s all it takes! A pretty sweet and doable workout plan, wouldn’t you say?
As an added bonus, these exercises increase the size of your chest and arms, which draws attention away from your legs, making them appear thinner (and your gap wider).
Thigh Gap Mentality
You have to want this. No, strike that—you have to NEED this. Or your thighs will never gap. Reach deep inside and CHOOSE THE GAP. Anything less is choosing to lose.
Admittedly, we’re all human. So, in moments of weakness, when you need inspiration, consult the following helpful gems:
- Skip dinner, end up thinner.
- Your stomach isn’t grumbling—it’s applauding.
- Nothing tastes as good as thigh gap feels.
Thigh Gap Hacks
- Wear jeans one or two sizes too small—it’s like a corset for your thighs! The resulting Muffin Top will be a small price to pay for the extra snugness in the legs.
- Use smaller dinner plates, so you think you’re eating more than you are (if you’re one of those weaker thigh-gappers who can’t fast).
- Wear perfectly applied lip gloss (men, lip balm is fine). It makes you more aware of what’s going in your mouth. Also, wear fruit-flavored gloss—you’ll trick your body into thinking you’ve eaten!
- Remember: drinking 2 cups of cold water on an empty stomach can boost metabolism by 30% (for several seconds!).
- Better, taking a bath in icy water will burn massive calories, as your body tries to warm itself up. Shivering is exercise without the effort!
- If all else fails, or if any of this sounds too difficult, you can always invoke the nuclear option: stand with your feet further apart. Boom! Instant thigh gap, no matter what.
- Finally, saving the best for last, we offer the one Pro Tip™ that beats everything else, the method that WILL take your Thigh Gap® to permanent, otherworldly levels: learn to do the splits. Then hold the position.
The problems of the world will take care of themselves. The problem of your touching thighs will not.
Do you want a truly fulfilling life? A life where people respect you for who you are, and seek your wisdom? Do you want to help others escape from the perilous conditions they’re in? Do you seek instant sainthood, or dream of world peace and harmony?
Of course you do.
You can have it. All it takes is a little determination.
Your resultant thigh gap will take care of the rest.
** And now a word from the TRYIS legal(ish) team(ish):
This article contains parody and satire. If you don’t know what that means, read the comments below. To read a more serious answer on how to get a thigh gap (warning, prepare to be disappointed), read Ms. Dahl’s acclaimed book on healthful weight loss practices and mindset, The Real You Is Skinny.