I’ve been on the fence with this website, wondering how personal I should make it. My vision is that it will become an authority site, and also an alternative to the mainstream media which seems to exist only to make money by manufacturing malcontent. I’ve wanted to keep it strictly on topic.
Thing is, that’s not how I’ve resonated with my readers. Even though I don’t like talking about myself, others seem to benefit more from that than from most other things I offer.
So here are a few thoughts I’ve been having lately. Please click on another link (try those at the top of the page; I spent many hours trying to make them useful) if you want to read something with value. Otherwise: hi there, friend.
It’s been a tough
week month year few years. I’ve poured my heart into many projects, people, and palindromes (just kidding about the last one; I merely couldn’t think of a better word to complete the alliteration). This has come at a profound personal cost. I’ve yet to see the profundity of the benefits.
I feel horrible saying so, because I know I have deeply touched many people’s lives with my writing, and a great number of people have taken the time to write to me, or tell me personally, how much they appreciate what I’ve shared, and how I’ve changed their lives for the better. But, truth be told, most of them haven’t bothered to leave a review for my book, to comment on this site, or even to click the “Like” button on my personal Facebook page when I say something they agree with. I mean, when they tell me at loud cocktail parties where they cannot be overheard that they love what I’ve shared, it gives me a huge boost, puts wind in my sails, and reminds me that the pain has all been worthwhile … but when they’re unwilling to come to my defense in public, when our enemies are having no problem ganging up on me and tearing me down without even considering the merits, nor the humility, of my reasoning, well … it gets lonely.
Just me, telling what I believe to be the truth, trying to help others find the same, trying to bring substance to a vacuous, one-sided “debate” whose outcome has been predetermined by the demagogues of debauchery and the valkyries of vilification….
Why do I bother?
I’m broke. Highly educated, some would even say talented, but broke. And disheartened. All I would have to do would be to take the Blue Pill, and everything would be fine. I’d fall in line, gain others’ applause (even though it’s rooted in contempt), become one of “us”. I could receive my big paycheck, pay my big mortgage (or, here in Southern California, my big rent), swallow my big lies, enjoy the satisfaction from feeling my increasingly bigger head swell with pride. Embrace my bigger, fatter body as “Healthy At Every Size, you hateful fuckers!” and not even be bothered by the irony of that statement.
Tumblr would love me. Jezebel would promote my book (the new one, of course, called “The Real You Is Whatever Is Easiest For You To Justify”). Professors of Literary Criticism would uncritically embrace my insincere logorrhea.
I once wrote this and meant it:
I’ve … recognized that attitude is THE most important thing. What was it that spurred me on in the beginning? What provoked me to embrace something which I knew would be incredibly hard, something at which I had always before failed? It was a positive attitude of hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, I could actually do it this time. I was in love with the idea of discovering the awesomeness of getting skinny, rather than merely hating my fat.
And therein lies the answer. We must stay POSITIVE about weight loss.
Think about it: if you’re being negative about anything, it doesn’t lift you up, it drags you down. Being negative about fat puts you in a place where your strongest temptations are harmful ones. In such moments, we’re tempted to binge, to starve, to purge, to cut, or what have you. Yet none of us is tempted to do any of these when our minds are in sunny and cheerful places.
I still believe this. Truth doesn’t change.
But I’m having a hard time finding the sunshine and the cheer.